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finally finding closure

hi all, i hope your all well. thought i'd write an entry since i was in the mood. last weekend i went back down to kent to see everybody, stayed in ramsgate with my friend lindsay for 2 days then went to see my family on the monday. saw my grandparents first for a few hours, then my mum for a couple of hours, then my foster parents that were, this is where it gets interesting. for those who are new to me and haven't red this journal i was in and out of foster care from the age of 7 till i was 14. i was fostered by the same people each time, theresa and stuart. me and theresa always had a rocky relationship and she used to be quite manipulative with me, accusing me of being an attention seeker and playing mind games when i wasn't doing anything of the sort. she took it personally when i moved up to live with my dad, she actually sat there on christmas day 11 years ago, the day before i left for my new life and said i'd never be happy, that i'd always try and find someone to manipulate. i've been very bitter towards her since then. i've seen her a few times since and it's always been a bit forced and awkward, until the other day. we looked through old photos, and it made me realise all the good times i'd had with them, how they'd taken me and my sister laura into their family and their hearts, people used to think me hannah (their daughter) and laura were sisters. i'm planning to have a baby via artificial insemination and i was dreading talking to her about it, but it turns out i had nothing to worry about, she actually understood the reasons why i was doing it. i realised then i couldn't be bitter towards her anymore, she'd given me a loving and stable home for years, taken both of us in when she didn't have to, maybe being controlling was her way of trying to show me how much she cared about me, i know she loved me in her own way. i've finally found closure after 11 years

being blind, a blessing or a curse?

hi all, now i'll be able to share future posts on twitter, i can't log into my lj using the website i can't remember my password, good old x journal a lovely little app for the mac which i'm using to write this. anyway, on with this post. for those who happen to read this who are on twitter who don't know, ive been totally blind since birth. i have a fairly normal and mostly independent life, one thing i have to thank my parents for is that they've always treated me like my other sighted siblings, they've never given me any special treatment because of my disability. sometimes that can be a bit of a hindrance in situations like the disney fireworks display back in march. it was a wonderful display by all accounts, i asked my dad several times what was going on and what the fireworks were like, he either completely ignored me because he was too busy taking pictures for facebook, or he just didn't know how to start describing things like that. some people are blessed with parents that imbrace their child being blind and try their hardest to make sure they get as much out of the sighted world as possible, unfortunately my parents just don't know where to start with that stuff. they were both so young when i was born, and i can't imagine how frightening it must be to have a premature baby when your only 19. my mum understandably was scared stiff of losing me, and there were probably many times when she nearly did, they used to have to call her back to the hospital at 3 in the morning because i'd stopped breathing. not being able to hold your own baby for a month, or even touch her must have been heartbraking. years later when i took the advice from celicitors to su the nhs, (1 doctor in particular) she found it so hard because no amount of money can change what she went through, and i felt extremely bad for that, i still do, no wonder she resents me sometimes for spending this money, as it wasn't me who had to go through all that, and i pray to god i never do. there was one rare touching moment between us when she gave me a gold cross on a chain for christmas one year, she'd made the effort of getting the letter she wrote put into braille. it said that she used to have a cross similar to that one, she used to hang it in my incubator, she believed if the doctors couldn't help me then god would. i've got tears in my eyes writing that, it's one of the rare times she's actually said anything like that. no wonder she turned to alcohol to cope in those days, i suppose i blame myself in a way because if i hadn't been born maybe she wouldn't have turned out the way she has. i'm sorry, this is turning into rather a depressing post, not like me at all, i just get these urges to write down what comes into my head. anyway where was i? oh yes, being blind. Of course as thos of us who are blind know it has it's challenges, like not being able to get anywhere unless your shown, if your one of the lucky few that can learn routes themselves then it's a bit better, i'm not unfortunately. i don't think sighted people realize that we even have to be taught how to cross a road in the right place so it's safe, obvious you might think, but we can't just cross at any point because, like me, it's possible to veer spectacularly and have the possibility of getting hit by a car, that has happened on a couple of occasions, it really knocked my confidence, for months i was terrified of crossing busy roads by myself. at one point when i was crossing a rather busy road in edinburgh i veered rather spectacularly and ended up in the path of the oncoming traffic, i managed to get to the railings, a lovely person got out of their car and helped me, i was so scared. some blind people may mock, but until you've been in that position you can't possibly judge. actually, at 1 point after i moved down to kent it took months before i had the confidence to step outside my front door, it's that fear of getting lost, i have no problem in asking for help but it's just those first moments of pannic, where the hell am i? luckily i live in a place now where there are some wonderful people but it still doesn't make it any easier. it's not all doom and gloom though i promise, we get to experience the world in a different way, plus we have our other senses. i don't spend my days feeling utterly depressed about being blind, far from it, i imbrace it and all the challenges it throws at me. of course there is the odd day where i resent it, but i just move past it and carry on. lots of people have said i'm a very determined person, i suppose because of my childhood i don't want to waste a single second of living my life to the full. there are things that i wish i could see, my family, the world around me. it hurts that i'll never be able to see what my child looks like, or their first smile, but i'm sure i'll deal with that when it happens. there are blind people that have been wrapped in cottonwool by their parents so much that they haven't had the chance to have any real experiences, or don't have the confidence to step outside their front door and see this world of ours. my parents always taught me that anything is possible, well within reason of course. i'm extremely grateful that i have the confidence to get on a plane by myself, i've been to australia and canada, ok i went all that way and couldn't explore propperly, i didn't care, it was the freedom it brought me, the fact that i was in those countries on my own, it felt so liberating. some people would call me an inspiration, some blind people would get offended by that, i don't think i'm an inspiration personally but if i can inspire others to have the confidence to make the most of the life they have in spite of being blind then i'm doing something right. in conclusion, being blind is a small part of me, not all of me. sorry if i've gone on a bit. until next time, amy xx

been a rather long time coming

hi all, wow it's been such a long time since i posted one of these i can't actually remember how to post an entry using safari on the mac. well where to begin, from the start you might say, i can't actually remember where we left off from last time, so i will go and have a look. ok it was september 2012 wow more than a year ago and so much has changed. i'm no longer friends with some people, have ganed a few friends and have moved, again!. so september last year was when i started to feel unhappy in kent, the novelty of being back home had warn off and over the next 9 months things were going to change. november saw my mum and daren brake up, again. but this time it was worse. i saw my mum retreat back to that awful place where she didn't get out of bed until gone midday. i couldn't believe the changes in her, she lost a lot of weight and tried to punnish daren in stupid ways. he'd gone back to his x wife and it really took it's toll on my mum, i hadn't seen her like that in years. in the end he realised his mistake and he'd gone after his x thinking there was something missing when all along it had been right in front of him, my mum. i know that sounds corny but that was the way it happened. over night she returned to her normal self, it was like the last month hadn't happened. christmas was nice, spent it with mum daren and sam it just felt like another day really. life plodded along in it's usual fashion, twice weekly visits from jo my support worker and weekly visits from bonny my support worker come cleaner. after christmas mobility sessions got better, i actually stepped outside my front door for the first time on my own and went down the shop. it felt amazing to have that confidence back, can't describe how horrible it is to fear doing a simple route to the shop. after that things mobility wise started to pick up a bit. spring came and i went on a wonderful walk in the woods with granddad. i will always remember that day. i used to treasure my visits to their house even just for dinner. i adore both of my grandparents and it will hurt like hell when they've gone, so special moments like that walk will stay with me forever. I wasn't happy though, not really. my life was missing something, i can't really put my finger on what. i was so pleased to be invited to my friends fee and jon's vow renewal serimony in scotland in may, i'd never been to scotland before so i was really excited. the moment i got off the coach in edinburgh i knew i was going to like it there. it was great to finally meet fee after talking to her online for so long. the weekend went far too quickly, the serimony was lovely. then it was back home and a lovely 14 hour coach journey too look forward to. a month or so later fee messaged me on twitter to say she'd found a flat in edinburgh and why don't i have a look at it. i was like, what? i'd only been there once how could i move? just like that? i couldn't possibly. but she gave me a talking to and i agreed to phone the guy, what did i have to lose. well by the end of that phonecall i'd arranged for fee to view it for me the next day. she put down a 50 quid deposit to hold it until i could go and view it myself 2 weeks later. i had a really good think and actually she was right, i wasn't happy and there might be more oppertunities up in edinburgh for me. amongst all this there was matt, we'd met that weekend and there was a spark between us. and no, i wasn't going to move up there for him before you all exclaim. so i got onn the train to waverly 2 weeks later to go and view this flat. by all accounts it was lovely and in a good area. got off the train and streight to fee's house where i would be staying for the weekend before going back to kent on monday, or so i thought. i was nervous about seeing the flat, but 1 thing was certain before i'd even seen it, there was no future between me and matt, i just knew it. and thinking about that moment after what was to unfold later i was right. anyway, the flat viewing went well i was a bit disappointed though the landlord was in such a hurry to get everything signed and sealed. but signed and sealed it was and i was back at fee's later with the keys to my new place. i couldn't believe it, in around 2 weeks time i was moving up to scotland. that weekend made me realise that people aren't what they seem. i'm not sure i should be talking about this in public but it's all done with now so here goes. matt had been in an accident a year or so before and had quite a nasty head injury wich resulted in fluid on his brain, fluid which he still apparently had. sunday came and i was quite sad to be going back to kent the next day, but i wouldn't be going home until tuesday. matt was rushed to hospital in an ambulance because he'd started to act very strangely and nearly collapsed on the way back from the shop with johny. we called nhs24 which he wasn't too pleased about and an ambulance came. he started to have a panic attack in front of us he didn't want to go at all. i hate seeing people like that it was horrible i was shaking. they got him off to hospital fee and johny went with him while i stayed with kiska fees guidedog. it turned out he had a lung infection, but it wasn't over yet. fee and johny returned home later that night bless them they were so tired. matt was staying in, he'd had hysterics on the way to hospital, thank god i wasn't there i would've been a wreck myself. it turns out matt didn't, and never had fluid on his brain. we were all shocked. we didn't know at that point whether he'd lied about it or he was genuinly confused. we got our answer the next day. to cout a long story short, he'd lied and his parents had no idea he'd had any fluid on his brain at all which made the whole thing worse. how someone can make that up is beyond me. we spent hours and hours at the hospital because we wanted answers plus he'd wanted to see me. i had an important meeting in london on the tuesday and i couldn't miss it. i'd stayed an extra day so i could see him and in the end he didn't want to see anyone, just proves how cowardly he was. anyway i went back to kent the next day feeling very drained and disappointed in how someone could lie like that. i didn't let it bring me down though, i was moving in a couple of weeks and i needed to get stuff sorted fast. those couple of weeks went too fast but everything that needed to be done got done and on the 10th of july i was on a train headed for waverly. my last day in kent was harder than i thought. i hate goodbyes. mum and daren came over to hel me pack up all my stuff so that it could be put on the first van that would take it to london. i'd got a really good deal. daren's mate in kent would take it up to london for me where it would stay at leather chairs of england where daren worked, until the weekly van that went up to scotland to deliver their furniture would deliver all my stuff to my new place. everything got boxed up and i left them to it so i could go for a final dinner at nan and granddad's. it was really hard not to cry at several points during the afternoon. everything went as normal. i realised how much i'd miss these afternoons with them. we went to mum's so i could drop off the money that was being given to the removal people and so i could say a final goodbye to my cats. i'd made the decision that they would be better off staying with mum and she was ok to take them. it was horrible saying goodbye to them, i tried again not to cry. nan and granddad took me back to the flat and said their goodbyes. after they went i could finally cry. it was only 6 but i went to bed because i had to be up at 4 the next morning, had a rather long day ahead of me. mum had packed my phone charger and i wasn't going to be able to charge my phone until i got to fee's house where i would be staying until my stuff got to the new place so it stayed switched off until i got on the train the next morning. daren and his mate arrived to get all my stuff at around 5 and after they'd gone i had to sit and wait for around an hour and a half doing nothing until i could go. i said a final goodbye to the flat that had been my saving grace 18 months before. it had got me out of a hole and gave me my freedom back, a chance to start again. finally my taxi came and i said goodbye to folkestone, it would always be home to me, no matter where i was. i remember standing on the beach for the final time a week before and it hit home that i was leaving. i stood on that beach that held so many good childhood memories and cried. it had been that beach and the sea i'd always missed the most apart from my family whenever i was in surrey hereford wolverhampton. i'd longed for home for so long and when i eventually got there and the novelty wore off i realised that there was more to life than folkestone. i will always call it home, and i have good and bad memories, but there is life beyond it and i realise that now.
i eventually got to london and on to the train to edinburgh, there was no turning back now. i felt nervous and excited at the same time. i got to waverly and into a taxi headed for fee's. i heard bagpipes out the window and all my nerves disappeared, i knew i'd found my second home and i was going to be happy. it felt strange knowing i didn't have to leave this time. i finally moved into my flat on monday the 13th. the past five months haven't been smooth running let me tell you. first i had to wait for 3 months to get mobility, i've had a few sessions now and got a good relationship with my mobility officer. my neighbours had a domestic that got out of hand i was terified that someone had broken into their flat and was threatening them so i called the police, i'd never been so scared in my life.  i was relieved when they told me that it was just a domestic and no one had got hurt. that 1 insodent turned my world upside down for nearly 2 months. i was on edge all the time i couldn't sleep i was scared someone would brake into my flat. i'd be listening out for any noise and when i heard people coming in or out of the building or drunk people outside i'd be terrefied. i went to the doctors in the end and they put me on diazipam. i'm nearly coming out the other side now, my anxiiety levels have gone right down and i'm getting back to normal. i'm taking it week by week. weekends are still hard but i'm dealing with them. the problem is the front door of my flat building has no lock, which means anyone can just walk in. on a happier note i've got 2 guineapigs called chas and dave, i'm struggling to bond with them don't think my anxiety problems have helped the situation, but it's getting a bit better. also my lovely smudgy cat will be coming to live with me soon, don't know when but soon. i'm now doing busses on my own, something i never did when i was in kent. i'm loving it here, i'm making friends slowly, got a few things planned before i go down to hereford for christmas to spend it with louise, i can't wait!. things are slowly coming together, i've just got to be patient. and on that note i will say goodbye for now. i've got a really good feeling about 2014. won't leave it so long next time. amy xxx

that time of year once again

hi all, sorry haven't blogged in a while. not a lot has really happened since i last blogged, been to croyden to see neil danielle and erin and met kerstin and neil's daughter leah for the first time. also went to hereford a couple of weeks ago to meet up with bas and louise for the first time, had a great time and met up with my friend rachel who i went to college with, and her gorgeous little boy charlie. cats are still doing well, they both get on really well with each other. got a new sofa today, it's so much better than the last one which wasn't very comfortable and really low when you sat on it. well, as the subject says, it's that time of year again, autumn is here. i love autumn, no buzzy things to speak of, it's cooler, bonfires, i love the smell of woodsmoke it's such an autumnal smell. halloween and bonfire night soon, then christmas, it'll be my first proper christmas here, the last 2 i've spent with my mum but this year i'll be actually living here, feels amazing. might be starting horse riding lessons next week, i've always loved horses and used to go riding when i was very small, i rode a horse called dilly she was great. anyway, that's all for now, going to sleep with a book. night all xo

then and now

hi all, i've been trying to write an entry for a while now but haven't had the motivation. this weekend has made me realise how lucky i was to have a second chance. i went back to the grandparents for my sister's 21st birthday meal. i hadn't seen them since the end of january and i wasn't sure how they'd be with me after the smudge saga. first thing my nan said to me when i got there was "you need to lose some weight" i was a bit shocked at that but oh well. i got to see the infamous new cat tilly, who's a very timid little thing. i know it was laura's day, but i felt left out, like they weren't interested in me cause i'd bought shame on the family for dropping out of uni and having no job. we went out for the meal and things got a bit easier, granddad was talking to me a little bit by the end of the night. me and laura had a pyjama morning the next day and i, not laura, got told to get my arse out of bed, why i get told what to do over laura is a mystery to me, oh well. had a really nice roast and then waited tip it was time to go home. i know i may be moaning about what was meant to be laura's special meal, and it went really well for her, but felt like i was a spare part and that they were ashamed of me. i was glad to get home to see the cats, sam had looked after the place really well, apart from when he didn't put water down for coco and unplugged my fridge-freezer. as i said earlier, going there this weekend made me realise how lucky i was to get my second chance. of course i love them, but i couldn't go back to living there. this time last year i was getting ready to leave wolverhampton to go and live there, i thought i'd still be there now but i'm not and i'm so grateful for my freedom and will never take it for granted again. i managed to get all the rent together and payed it the other day, nothing to worry about now til the end of january. i'm happy, still got a few debts lingering but i'm paying them off slowly but surely. here was where i was meant to be, it's always been my home and no matter where i've been over the years i knew i'd come back some day. i remember leaving here 8 years ago to start a new life with dad thinking that my life wouldn't be the same again and i was right, i don't regret it, it was just the card life dealt and it was the right one for so many reasons, i got to have the life i'd always wanted, if only for a year and a bit, i got to go to RNC as well. it broke me when dad and kim split, another part of my life had ended and i just thought why me? why can't i be happy? but yet again it was the way things were and it made me stronger. i remember coming back to folkestone in the holidays before i went to uni, part of me was telling me to stay and make a life for myself there, but another part said i had to continue with uni. i did and that failed. so i went back to nan's. when i got the chance to move back here i took it with both hands and a new chapter of my life has started. i don't know what will happen now, but all i know is i'm happy and have a roof over my head and that's all i care about, the rest of it can wait. there's lyrics from a delta goodrem song that really speak to me right now, i've seen people come and go from all walks of life, they all leave a bookmark in the story that i write. that's so true, all the people i know and have known have played a part in my life, in the good and bad times. life is a hard and rewarding journey, mine isn't over yet! and with that i'll be off, i've probably said all this before but i'm saying it again. amy xo
hi all, been a while since i last wrote so let me fill you in on what's been happening. we left off on friday morning. mum came over to sort the lecky out, we didn't go to burger king so i went myself. smudge was sick before she came and mum helped clear it up. went to bk as i said. got back chilled on skype for a bit. hoped that would be the end of the throwing up but boy was i wrong. mum said it would be best to feed her her dinner so i did and went to bed. i woke up next morning and she'd been sick in the hallway and in the kitchen. tried my best to clear it up i was worried. gave her a quarter of a tin of gourmet gold for her breakfast and 5 minutes later she was sick again, a bit in the kitchen and some in the porch. i phoned the vet and he said not to b too worried, and to starve her for 24 hours. i let her outside so she could eat grass if she needed too. an hour later she was sick yet again. i called mum and she came over i'd made things worse by trying to clear it up i'd spread it about. mum and daren cleaned everything up and left. i didn't want to be horrible but i shut smudge out of the bedroom, i wanted at least one room to be sick free, and the bedroom was one i spent a lot of time in. chilled for the afternoon and watched some crime documentaries. found a book on US itunes i wanted so bought a voucher. smudge was sick again around 5, called a different vet and she said not to be worried either. i left her for the night and she wasn't sick so i thought that was it. the next day mum came round and bought her some plain chicken which she ate quite happily. i thought it was over but around 5 she was sick again i thought it was something else but we won't go into too much details. called mum yet again i hated having to rely on her but i couldn't do it on my own. i felt like crying, i know she's only a cat but i'd hate it if anything happened to her. mum phoned the female vet i'd phoned the night before and she said it was best if we brought her in tomorrow. mum left and i settled down for the night with my sky gnome which mum got working for me earlier. woke up on bank holiday monday and phoned mum, she said she didn't feel like going to the vets today and to starve smudge til wednesday, she said it wasn't worth the emergency fee, she wasn't chritical. i gave her a few cat biscuits just so she had something in her tummy. she didn't sick them back up til later that night. didn't do much for the rest of the day, there was nothing on telly, there never is on bank holidays. the next day was pretty much non eventful, did hardly anything. wednesday was my birthday, mum came round in the morning and took me and smudge to the vets, he said it was likely to be a hairball build up so he prescribed her some anti hairball paste and something to settle her tummy. jo got to mine soon after we got back, she'd bought me a card bless her. we went out and did a bit of shopping in iceland and went to primark and bought some new tops leggings and brahs with some of my birthday money. got subway for lunch. got home put the shopping away and killed time til it was time to get ready to go out for my birthday meal. mum and daren came over around half 5 and mum streightened my hair. it was raining when we got outside how typical!. we got to the pub and the weighter gave it away that my sister was coming because she'd booked the table under her name, it was meant to be a surprise. she arrived and gave me my present, perfume as usual, laura knows me so well haha. we had a lovely meal talking about old times. when i got home i was so glad to see my bed. the next day mum came over and saw that smudge had flees, she was completely riddled with them. luckily the lady who'd lived here before left some frontline so mum put that on her plus her other medicine which i couldn't do myself. jo was a bit late so we had to make a mad dash for the hairdressers. i had my hair cut into a bob and it looked great. went back to mine for a cuppa. the rest of the day was non eventful. mmy mate stephen came over the next day for the weekend, it was great to see him. sunday i headed to croydan for a few days to see danielle and erin. neil was there for the first night so got to see him too, and to meet alex who i'd spoken to on teamtalk. the next few days were really good, me and danielle red and chatted and i had cuddles with erin, those of you who follow me on twitter will have seen my erin boos lol. went back home wednesday and it had brightened up after all the rain. jo came and got me from the station and we went back to mine so i could put the stuff away and say hi to smudge, who was having a good old time in the garden, she didn't come back for ages so we had a cuppa while we waited. it was too late to go down the councel to sort the wheely bin saga so we went to the dentists instead to register, turns out their not taking nhs patients on again til christmas. thursday and friday were boring, ordered a couple of things on amazon which came saturday. monday nan and granddad came over and lent me a fiver to get smudge some cat litter, she'd run out. jo came over and did a bit of tidying up for me. then we went out. went over to nan's for dinner on wednesday, went to the beach in the afternoon and had a walk along the canal with granddad. the rest of the week not a lot has happened, i got a wheely bin delivered the other day even though they said i can't have one, oh well i've got one now. yesterday was pretty crap felt depressed all day, still do so i'll leave it there. landlord is meant to be coming over to sort my taps and a leak out tomorrow. anyway speak soon xo amy

22

hi all. in that reflective mood again, you've been warned!. i can't believe i'll be 22 on wednesday, time is going so quick. i was thinking of the last jubilee, i was 12, so much was going on in my life at the time. i sung at the lees cliff hall in folkestone on that day, in front of 800 people, i was so nervous but it went really well. that's the biggest audience i've sung in front of. june that year was a horrible month, my stepdad was involved in an accident 2 days after my birthday. he was chasing the driver when he got dragged under the car. my brothers and sister saw it all, i was staying with mine and lauras foster family for a bit of rest bite. i feel so bad that i wasn't there for them. i found out about it on the sunday
y. i couldn't take it in at first, i was numb. it hit me when i saw laura she was so upset. it still brings tears to my eyes even now when i remember her telling us how she ran into the road and picked up his hat because she didn't want him to be without it. i didn't get to go and see him until he'd woken up and was talking. the others had been before but there wasn't much point for me because he could only write stuff. it was a real shock seeing him in intensive care, i forgave him for everything he put my mum through. it was one of the worst days of my life, he was lying there so helpless. i told him that we'd been to thorp park the day before, he cried, i hadn't meant to upset him, vera his mum said he was upset because he wished he could've come with us. it reminded me of all the good times we'd had with him. i got back to teresa and stuarts, teresa got mad at me because i'd bought my poster of kylie minogue back with me, she didn't think it was appropriate. i went into the toilet and had a really long cry. the toilet became my salvation after that. whenever i wanted to cry i'd go in there because no one would disturb me. after laura was asleep that night i put on some music really quietly and cried and cried, i hated the idea of pete being all by himself in the hospital. he got out 2 and a half months later and we went home. it wasn't going to be easy, he'd lost the use of one of his arms, he'd lost an eye and half his nose. he had a lot of plastic surgery ahead of him, sorry to be graphic. i don't know why i'm telling you all this, i just needed to write it all down. sorry if i'm being depressing. i always remember every year. it's nearly 10 years since it happened yet i can remember it all as if it was yesterday. i don't dwell on the past that often, sometimes memories just flud back and there's not a lot i can do. i sometimes forget i'm nearly 22, i had to grow up really fast, so i didn't have much of a childhood. yeah there were really great times, but there were really bad ones too. i guess that's why i still like kids programs, i suppose i'm trying to reclaim my childhood in some way. i'm so glad my childhood didn't damage me in any way, i've turned out alright. when i have a child there going to get the childhood i never had. my mum was and still is a good mother, she just got involved with the wrong bloke'sand got depressed and started drinking. on a positive note, me and her are as close as we're going to get, and i'm happy with that. she's really trying to make up for when i was younger. at first i was really overwhelmed because i wasn't used to it but i'm alright now. anyway sorry to depress you, i wasn't feeling sorry for myself honest lol. i'm really happy now and i'm settled. i know people have had it a lot harder than me. looks like my mum has found the right bloke now, he's a great guy, would never lay a finger on her. she deserves it. anyway i'll write again soon. xo

quick update

hi all, this is quite good for me, hasn't been a week since i blogged last. this week has been really good. monday, got up and had a cold bath, it was so hot! did a bit of tidying and put some washing on. then went shopping with nan and granddad, got a couple of bits. came back and waited for the social worker to arrive. we discussed my support options, i decided to go with people to people, a really good agency. lucy said she'd get back in touch by wednesday, that's when lisa the people to people person was going to be back in. granddad came back over after to make a start on my garden, the grass desperately needed cutting and there was japanese noc weed everywhere. he got quite a bit done but said he was going to come back tomorrow. went to sleep after he'd gone. tuesday not a lot happened. granddad came back over and did the rest of the garden, it's all looking really nice now. there were around 10 bin bags of grass, plus a bag of weed, plus loads of bags of rubbish in the shed, the person who lived here before had put loads of household rubbish in the shed to rot, not a nice thought. wednesday had mobility, and lucy and lisa came round. we had a chat and lisa said my potential support worker would be coming over. she's called jo, she's lovely. reckon she's a bit older than my mum but she seems young at heart. i've got her mondays and thursdays, but not next monday as it's a bank holiday. so she's coming on my birthday instead, we're going to the hairdressers and to get some new clothes. yesterday i went to nan's for the day, they also picked up all the rubbish from my shed and took it down the dump. it was really nice. managed to stay in the garden for over an hour without running away from the bees. we had lasagne for dinner followed by toffee cheesecake. then granddad went to have a ly down, while me and nan watched a bit of telly, well nan went to sleep lol. they took me back at around quarter to 4 and let smudge out for a little run around in the garden. chilled on skype for a little bit then went to bed around half 6, didn't really wake up til half 3 this morning. been awake ever since. hoping to go get some electric this morning with mum, and then hoefully burger king afterwards. smudge has been fed, she's getting so fat, but when i try to cut down her food she won't stop until she gets it. she was lying on my bed she seems to love lying to the right of me where she can be easely stroked. well that's it. laters. amy x

goings on in my life

hi all, how are we all doing? it's a really muggy night, we need a good old thunder storm to clear the air. haven't written in a few weeks so thought i'd give you all a quick update. summer has begun it seems, oh what joy! i think if wasps and other buzzy things didn't exist i'd enjoy it more. regretting my amazon splurge, have fallen a bit behind on the rent, 1 month behind now. got june and julys housing benefit still coming plus the money i have to add to it each month so i've just got to find 400 quid from somewhere, which shouldn't be too hard. got until the end of july, so 100 quid here and there from the cncopasity and 200 from junes DLA should sort things. one thing i'm not going to do is get thrown out, i can't, i'd have nowhere to go, and i can't afford to get into rent orers again. when i think back to this time last year, i was in debt, my flat was a mess, big understatement of the century, but i got so depressed it all got too much for me. it got so bad i was ashamed to let people in to help me sort it out. i got my independence at 16 when i went to college, ever since then i've always wanted to do things myself with as little help as possible, there's wanting to do it myself and then there's being to ashamed to ask for help, that's not good. at one point i didn't have a bath for a month, i know how disgusting, but i'd got myself into such a rut i couldn't get out. i'm not trying to gross you out i'm just being honest. it was hell on earth and i'm never going back there again. i hid and tried to run away from my problems an my debts, i wouldn't answer the phone. just hoping that the debtors would give up eventually, i was stupid to think that. i was so glad to leave on the day i did, i did it in the wrong way though, i just went without leaving uni properly, my flat in a mess. leaving most of my stuff behind. i remember feeling glad and so grateful that nan and granddad had taken me in, but at the same time sad that i'd let it get that bad. i made up my mind then that i would start again, no matter how long it took i was going to do things right next time round. and i have to a point, i'm so much better at managing money, paying bills may be the norm for everyone else but for me it's a great achieveement. ok money management still isn't great but i'm better than i was. i'm still a bit on the messy side but who isn't? nothing like it was though. i'm so much happier now and i'm not going to let anything stand in the way of that. another good thing is that i've made a new start with a couple of friends, very pleased they've given me another chance. the best thing i ever did was move here, i've got my family, i go shopping with nan and granddad sometimes, i go over for dinner at theres every fortnight, i see mum and go over to hers for dinner sometimes, and i can finally spend a bit of time with my sister laura. when i left nearly 8 years ago i thought it was going to be the start of a hole new life, well it was great for a year and a half but then it all went wrong. i'm glad i made that choice because in many ways it's shaped me as a person. the bad times are hard, but they make you stronger and more determined. my childhood wasn't great, but i wouldn't change any of it because i'm more mature, and i don't take things for granted. the past can make your future better. if i'd stayed here all those years ago i probably wouldn't have gone to RNC, wouldn't have even thought about going to australia on my own. i don't know, maybe i would've got those opportunities. but anyway. anyway i'm done with the reflecting stuff now. oh 1 last thing, no matter how hard things get, don't ever stop believing in yourself, because at the end of the day only you can change things for the better, no one else. i didn't mean this to be such a long entry, but you know what it's like, wide awake and mulling stuff over that doesn't need to be mulled over, the past is the past, and that's where it should stay, but i can't help it sometimes. i got an offer to go back to RNC for 6 months the other day, i'm not going to do it, as much as it might help in the long run. it would be like taking a step back. i've come so far in the last few years and to admit defeat and go back wouldn't help. i will get a job no matter how long it takes. i don't know anyone there anyway now. when i went back for the awards serimony, mary bennet said to me, amy, don't ever come back, there's nothing for you here now. she didn't mean it in a horrible way but she's right, i'm not saying i'm too good to go back but i don't need too, i did my time there and that's that. speaking of rnc can't believe it's been nearly 3 years since i left, time flies. next couple of weeks are going to be busy, social services are coming monday to talk about my support, mobility wednesday. then the next week it's my birthday, don't quite know what we're doing yet, think we're going out for a meal. then hopefully mmy
mate stephen is coming for the weekend, if it's nice really hoping to go to the beach. off to croydon on the 10th for a few days to have girly time with danielle and erin. sam is being left in charge of my flat and smudge, hoping he won't throw any wild partys lol. nah he's really good, he won't do that. think he'll enjoy having a flat to himself for a few days. also going to see how audio description is done on the 13th, at red b media in london. might have to go to court at some point there's another crown court hearing on the 22nd of june. anyway, that's it for now, sorry for the long entry. hope it cools down a bit soon. amy x

Dreams

last night and tonight i've been having some really horrible dreams, tonight's was the worst. i was a child again and i'd woken up for some reason then my sister laura woke up too and screamed, i had blood all over my foot and laura said i was going to die. we went down stairs and mum wouldn't believe us. by this time i was covered in blood and no one not even laura was taking me seriously. they all sat down and watched coronation street, then someone finally decided to call an ambulance, meanwhile nan and granddad came over nan moaned about all the blood, mum wouldn't go to the hospital with me because they were going to charge her 500 quid for the ambulance to come out. then i woke up. have no idea why dreampt about any of it. now trying to go back to sleep. woke up really thirsty again, hoping i won't dream about anymore weird stuff. i remember when i was really little and suffered with nightmares, i used to be so scared of going to sleep. i can remember the one that could've started it all, even now, all these years later. all these monsters came out at me and started blowing rasberrys and laughing at me, then they turned into potatos. it all sounds so stupid now but back when i was 3 or 4 it scared the living daylights out of me. anyway i'm done. night xx

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