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learning to be loved

it's true that in the small hours you tend to think a lot, why do i always have these profound thoughts? i was just reading a book and in it these 2 women were just enjoying time as a couple, i suddenly thought, i want that, i want to have that. for so long i've closed myself off, resigned myself to the fact i will be a single mother, that it will just be me and my child. but in that moment i realized i want more than that, i want what everyone else wants, to be loved. i don't think much of myself, for years i've hated myself in fact. 6 years ago i was so desperate for money i wanted to sell my body, because that was all i thought it was good for. it was when i was sat in a hotel room with a man old enough to be my father i realized how low i was and how little i thought of myself. the ironic thing is he couldn't have been nicer, he told me to quit while i was ahead, that i was bright and deserved better. i never had sex with him, i couldn't bring myself to do it, so there was still a determined girl in there somewhere. i never went down that road again, and even when i got into tons of debt i never thought about it. whoever is reading this right now i have no idea what you'll be thinking, but just writing it all down makes it look so tragic and sad, and that's exactly what it was. that second year at uni in wolverhampton is a part of my life that i don't really talk about too much, i was so ashamed of the person i'd become, of the debt i was in and most of all, i'd brought shame on my family for getting into debt and quitting uni, god knows what they would've thought about what i did for 200 quid. but most of all, i thought, i will never be loved, who would ever want me, this disgusting poor excuse of a girl. i am nothing, i am worth nothing. it's only now that i'm dealing with my anxiety issues that i'm able to confront all this, feelings i've buried for so long. i was out with my friend rachael a few months ago at a pub, we were waiting for a taxi and these guys came along and started eying us up, i was completely shocked, nobody had ever eyed me up before, why would they i thought, i'm nothing special. it crossed my mind then that nobody had ever really told me i was pretty or beautiful. i'd never thought much of my appearance, i thought i wasn't really anything to look at. one day though everything changed, i went on a shopping trip with my best mate and i found i actually enjoyed choosing clothes. for so long i'd let other people decide what i wore because i didn't know any different, and there i was choosing my own stuff. after that i started discovering who i was, i discovered i loved jewelery and makeup, that i could look good if i wanted to. getting into a relationship has never really crossed my mind, men are out and i've always prefered women anyway. but reading that book just now awoke something in me, that need we all have to be loved, to feel wanted. it might be a slow process, but i want to open myself up to somebody, because why shouldn't i have what everyone else has? i'm not going to put any restrictions on my life anymore, i was putting far too much pressure on myself and that wasn't doing me any favours. i'm just going to take life as it comes and if i meet someone along the way? wonderful! if i don't, then i don't mind that either. right now i'm just enjoying discovering the girl that's been trapped inside for so long. i won't let the past define me anymore, finally, i'm at piece with myself.