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love is in the air

hi all, well i'm here with some good news for once. i've just found my entry titled learning to be loved, well ladies and gents i'm here to tell you that as of a few weeks ago i'm in a relationship with a lovely girl called jodie. we're taking things slowly, this is all new and alien to me after all, but needless to say i'm very happy. the thing for me at the moment is i need to just relax and embrace it, take each day as it comes, but when you've never been in a relationship before it's very difficult, but day by day i'll get there. there we are, short and sweet. see you all soon :)

there's always tomorrow

the black clouds are here, and for today anyway their here to stay. i can tell you pretty much how today will go. i'll ly here staring at the sealing, not wanting to see, speak or interact with anyone. because, why would anyone want to see speak or interact with a useless hopeless pathetic person like me? oh stop feeling sorry for yourself you might say, you need to just get on with it you might say, well let me tell you on days like this that's much easier said than done. on days like this my mind is my worst enemy. on days like this i have to cancel appointments because just the thought of having to interact with someone else nearly brings me to tears. then i hate myself because i've had to cancel these appointments because i feel so awful. on days like this i won't want to pick up the phone let alone leave the sanctuary of my bedroom, of my bed, because this is the only place i feel safe at this moment in time. so i will ly here with my books music and my thoughts, trying to distract myself from whatever made me feel this way in the first place. it's on days like this i can't see what everyone else sees, the bright confident girl who's outgoing and sociable, who's always up for a laugh, sitting here now i'd give anything to be that girl, even for just 5 minutes today. i don't want to talk, i don't want to do anything, i just want to be alone! please, everyone just leave me alone. i promise i will be everything you want and more, just not today, i can't, it's just too hard! the last thing i want is to push people away, i'm so lucky to have so many amazing friends and on days like this that's all i do, push them away, because on days like this their better off without me in their lives. why would they want this shell of a person for company? someone who can't even pretend to be happy? because on days like this all i can see is never ending darkness. here within these 4 walls i don't have to pretend, i can lay here and just be quiet, or cry and cry until there are no tears left. on days like this i hardly recognise myself, because i'm not myself. on days like this do you know what gets me through? there's always tomorrow...

learning to be loved

it's true that in the small hours you tend to think a lot, why do i always have these profound thoughts? i was just reading a book and in it these 2 women were just enjoying time as a couple, i suddenly thought, i want that, i want to have that. for so long i've closed myself off, resigned myself to the fact i will be a single mother, that it will just be me and my child. but in that moment i realized i want more than that, i want what everyone else wants, to be loved. i don't think much of myself, for years i've hated myself in fact. 6 years ago i was so desperate for money i wanted to sell my body, because that was all i thought it was good for. it was when i was sat in a hotel room with a man old enough to be my father i realized how low i was and how little i thought of myself. the ironic thing is he couldn't have been nicer, he told me to quit while i was ahead, that i was bright and deserved better. i never had sex with him, i couldn't bring myself to do it, so there was still a determined girl in there somewhere. i never went down that road again, and even when i got into tons of debt i never thought about it. whoever is reading this right now i have no idea what you'll be thinking, but just writing it all down makes it look so tragic and sad, and that's exactly what it was. that second year at uni in wolverhampton is a part of my life that i don't really talk about too much, i was so ashamed of the person i'd become, of the debt i was in and most of all, i'd brought shame on my family for getting into debt and quitting uni, god knows what they would've thought about what i did for 200 quid. but most of all, i thought, i will never be loved, who would ever want me, this disgusting poor excuse of a girl. i am nothing, i am worth nothing. it's only now that i'm dealing with my anxiety issues that i'm able to confront all this, feelings i've buried for so long. i was out with my friend rachael a few months ago at a pub, we were waiting for a taxi and these guys came along and started eying us up, i was completely shocked, nobody had ever eyed me up before, why would they i thought, i'm nothing special. it crossed my mind then that nobody had ever really told me i was pretty or beautiful. i'd never thought much of my appearance, i thought i wasn't really anything to look at. one day though everything changed, i went on a shopping trip with my best mate and i found i actually enjoyed choosing clothes. for so long i'd let other people decide what i wore because i didn't know any different, and there i was choosing my own stuff. after that i started discovering who i was, i discovered i loved jewelery and makeup, that i could look good if i wanted to. getting into a relationship has never really crossed my mind, men are out and i've always prefered women anyway. but reading that book just now awoke something in me, that need we all have to be loved, to feel wanted. it might be a slow process, but i want to open myself up to somebody, because why shouldn't i have what everyone else has? i'm not going to put any restrictions on my life anymore, i was putting far too much pressure on myself and that wasn't doing me any favours. i'm just going to take life as it comes and if i meet someone along the way? wonderful! if i don't, then i don't mind that either. right now i'm just enjoying discovering the girl that's been trapped inside for so long. i won't let the past define me anymore, finally, i'm at piece with myself.

coming home

hi all, hope everyone is doing ok. i'm at my nan and granddad's for the weekend, i'm sat here remembering the many entries i used to post when i was here nearly 5 years ago, i came here to escape my problems, couldn't quite get away from them though, the bailiff visit springs to mind. i'm off back home tomorrow, which means i'll spend the majority of the day on a train. i love it though, i wouldn't have it any other way, it just makes getting home even better. when we get to the english boarder i know i'm on the home stretch, i can feel the train climbing higher towards scotland. if anyone had told me 5 years ago that i'd end up living in scotland, i probably wouldn't have believed them, i'd only ever known that edinburgh was the capital of scotland. let me take you back to may 2013. i was living in a poky 1 bedroom flat with my 2 gorgeous cats. i was down the road from my mum, living in the town where i spent my first 14 years. my life was going nowhere. there were no real opportunities in folkestone. from the day i left when i was 14, i made up my mind that some day i'd be back, and 8 years later that came true. but the novelty had warn off and to be quite honest i was becoming depressed. my friend fee invited me to her vow renewal ceremony in edinburgh, i was excited because i'd never been to scotland before, and it was going to be quite a treck getting up there as i couldn't afford the train, so i took the coach. so the day came, and i was knackered as i'd had hardly any sleep. i got a taxi to the coach station in ashford, and so began a very long day. i arrived in edinburgh 14 hours later, feeling pretty tired and in need of a drink. the moment i stepped off the coach i knew i was going to like edinburgh. that weekend was amazing, i got to meet some new people and found out a bit more about edinburgh. i was sad to leave on the monday but i knew i'd be back some day. a month later, fee asked if i'd like to move up there, as you do. she pointed out that i wasn't happy where i was and this would be a fresh start. when i actually sat down and thought about it she was right, i needed a fresh start somewhere different, and this was it. everyone i told was either surprised or thought i was mental, looking back i can see how crazy it seemed, but i knew deep down it was the right thing for me. so within 2 months of stepping off that coach, i'd packed up my life, said my goodbyes and was on the train for waverley, wondering if i was doing the right thing, what the hell had i let myself in for? but the moment i got into a taxi and heard bagpipes on waverley bridge i knew eventually things would be ok. and nearly 3 years later i'm still there. the last 3 years haven't been easy, there have been many ups and downs, and there have been times i've wanted to chuck in the towel and say, you were all right, it was a mental idea and you can say i told you so. for a long time i felt i had to prove myself to a lot of people, but i don't have to anymore. last year i came so close to moving back to england, i thought i was doing the right thing for me and my future baby. but the more i thought about it and the more plans started to take shape, the more i felt it was completely the wrong thing to do. just the thought of having to pack up my life again brought me to tears, i couldn't comprehend it. i'd worked so hard to build the life i had, gone through so much along the way, that to give up now would be awful. the day i made up my mind, i was standing on the beach with my support worker shirley, some of my friends. i stood there and thought, how can i give any of this up? i've made this wonderful city my own. i made up my mind for deffinate then, i was going to do whatever i had to to make it work. after i'd made that decision, i felt so much better, i hadn't realized it but all that worry had started to make me ill. it's only when you come close to losing something you realize what it really means to you. since moving to edinburgh my confidence has gone up so much, i can now do busses on my own for one thing. ok the mobility side hasn't been fantastic, but that's not my fault. i may not have the best social life there, but i'm more than happy that my friends are spread out across the UK, makes things more interesting. i know there's not a lot of blind people that would just pack up their lives, move to a place hundreds of miles away and start again, but since i was 8 years old, i've had to adapt to moving around, first into foster care time and time again, then to live with my dad when i was 14, then to college in hereford, uni in wolverhampton and so on. when i moved 3 years ago, i knew i wanted to stop moving, i wanted somewhere to settle. and that's exactly what i've done, i've got my gorgious house, i live in a city that agrees with me in ways i never thought it could, i'm proud to live there, the fact people speak so highly of it helps too, and one thing i wish i could apreciate is how beautiful it is. i go back to folkestone sometimes to see everyone, and i love doing that. i had dinner with my sister last year and she said that she wanted to move away, that there was more to life than little old folkestone, and i completely agreed. as lovely as it is, there's a bigger wider world out there, and i'm so glad that she wants to explore it. as for me, i'm done with moving around, caledonia your calling me, now i'm going home.

heading towards a brighter future

hi all, a happier entry you'll be pleased to know. i've just looked at the entry i posted just before christmas, i really wasn't in a good place then, i wasn't taking care of myself and was really depressed, and using food as a way to try and make myself feel better. i started CBT in january and that has really helped me to put certain things in place to deal with my anxiety issues. i'd got myself back into a place i never thought i'd go again, quite honestly i hated myself, and thought i was a horrible person for making certain decisions, and knowing that someone that was meant to be a friend had made me feel that way made me feel worse. i just couldn't see a way out. the CBT has helped so much, just knowing i've got different ways to cope when i get anxious makes me feel so much better. a real achievment in that area was my little trip down to london. i will admit i was worried about it, as a blind person you have to put a lot of trust in strangers, and i was going to be sitting in a bar full of people i didn't know. i'm happy to say that it went better than i could've imagined, there are some lovely people in this world, i really enjoyed myself and more importantly felt really good about myself. i've decided i want to go for another cycle of treatment soon, i'm playing it by ear but not too long in the future. i'm going to be going to the gym a lot more and trying to lose some weight, i feel i'm in the right place mentally to do this now, a few months ago i don't think i could've done it. i had my last cbt session today, we both came to the conclusion that i didn't need to go anymore, that feels so good. i'm not completely anxiety free i don't think i'll ever be, but i can deal with it better now. i'd like to say a massive thanks to all my friends that have supported me through all this, i couldn't have done it without you. so onwards and upwards, towards a brighter future.
hi all, i wanted to touch on the subject of AD (audio description) for those of you who don't know what that is, it's a service for the visually impaired available on most digital tv platforms in the uk. it fills in the visual gaps between dialogue. films, dramas, documentaries and comedies are just some of the stuff that is described for us. my journey with AD started in the late 90s when the RNIB (Royal national institute for the blind) brought out disney videos described, the first one i watched was the lion king, it really opened my eyes (pardon the pun) i had no idea how much i'd missed, i was able to enjoy the film like everyone else. I don't know exactly when AD became available on television, but i think it was around 2003/2004, that's when i heard about the netgem freeview boxes, the first talking freeview box for the blind. of course, i was very keen to get one, i can't exactly remember how i ended up getting one, but my dad told me that i was being bought one. i was very excited, this was going to open up a whole new world for me. it took ages to set the thing up as i remember, the menus weren't very accessible but it announced channel names and provided the AD, that's all i needed. the first program i watched with AD was neighbours, all the little visual details that everyone takes for granted, so and so walks into the coffee shop for example, became clear to me, i knew it would enhance my tv watching experience forever. then when i found out AD was available on sky, i found out how to configure it so when i went down to my nan's i could get my AD fix there. this may sound like i couldn't live without it, the truth is i could, but it was a new toy i wanted to play with, plus it was cool to show to people. now to the describers themselves, i'm sure we all have our favourites, i certainly do. jane westrop, pauline cavilla, jerimy ferth, james ohara, di langford, and many more. what makes an audio describer for me is the delivery, there's a big difference between sounding like your reading from a script like a news reader and engaging the VI person so they actually enjoy the program. Jane westrop, for example, has that nack of describing humourus scenes. a great example, the wallis and grommit film was on one christmas and she was describing it, you could tell she had a smile on her face too as she was describing the funny bits. describing films must be extremely challenging, but titanic is one of the best described films i've ever watched. i adore documentaries even more now, we get every little detail, from what a desert looks like to what goes on under the sea. the 2012 london olympics opening serimony was even described. it was great to be able to discuss with my dad the next day how amazing the torch lighting was and that james bond segment. it really annoys me when some blind people complain that not enough content is described, do they think of how long it actually takes to do one program? we should be grateful for what we get, which is in my eyes a lot. other countries aren't so lucky, there's hardly any described content in the US or australia. so i'd like to say a massive thank you to whoever came up with the idea of audio description, to those describers that work tirelessly to give us that bigger picture. if your wondering what AD is all about, then turn it on, close your eyes, and emerse yourselves in a world where a voice brings everything to life, see the bigger picture

who needs enemys?

hi all, well yet another doom and gloom post i'm afraid. for months i've been keeping quiet to protect a certain person, who won't be named here, but i've had enough now. this isn't a bitching session, but i need to write all this down. for those who don't know i want to have a baby via artificial insemination. i was expecting mixed opinions of course, but what i wasn't expecting was one of my best friends to turn round and say that if i got pregnant he'd walk away from me and my baby. when i started my treatment, the very time i needed support most, i wasn't allowed to mention it. then when i was brave enough to tell everybody on Facebook about it he then said that he wasn't going to be the only one who felt it was wrong. i respect that everybody has their opinions, i don't expect everybody to agree with what i'm doing, but he said he couldn't be around a child that in his head shouldn't exist. that made me feel sick to my stomach, how can anyone think that about an innocent little baby that hasn't done anything wrong? how is that fair? he said i had a choice, my baby or our friendship. he knows what i've been through in my childhood and beyond, he knows how difficult it is for me to commit to any man, and yet he expected me to choose him. apparently i would be the one who would be the one responsible for the end of our friendship. i've had months of being made to feel worthless, like i'm the worst person in the world for wanting the most natural thing in the world, to become a mother. he's had problems of his own to deal with, i've tried my hardest to be there and support him, and i get all this in return. and i'm expected just to put up with it, to deal with whatever he throws at me, well not anymore. i've suffered with eating issues in the past, now it's reared it's ugly head again thanks to all his comments, making me feel worthless. i needed to fill that gap and food became my friend. i'm a mess, i'm in a place where i never thought i'd go again. i can't help feeling angry and resentful that i'm going through all this again. i'm going to start therapy soon, i really hope it works, because i can't bare feeling like this anymore. it's too late for an apology, an apology won't fix this, i don't know if anything will, maybe there's been too much damage done, i don't think his views will ever change, no matter how much he thinks therapy will help him achieve that. maybe i've got to accept i'm better off without him in my life, it makes me very sad because we've been friends for so long, but i can't have anymore upset in my life moving forward. anyway i'm hopeful that i'll be back to my old self again soon, i've got to do the best i can for me and any child that i'm hoping to have. that's all for now.

the day anxiety changed my life

hi all, another deep and meaningful blog entry i'm afraid. this blog is becoming a real sounding bored for specific topics, rather than a rundown of my daily life. i'm beginning to find it cathartic. today's subject, anxiety. anxiety will probably plague everyone at some point in one form or another, it may not last long, a few weeks, a few months, maybe a few years, or in my case most of my life. i've been battling anxiety for the past 16 years, since i was 9 years old. 9 year olds should never feel particularly worried about anything, they shouldn't have panic attacks that render them a shaking crying mess, but that was me the night it all started. now for those of you who are reading this who don't know me, and i don't know if anyone will actually read this, but a little background for you. my mother is an alcoholic, she has been since i was 5. my step-dad used to hurt her and they'd have blazing rows on a regular basis. as a child i used to worry a lot, sometimes i'd dread going home from school because i didn't know what to expect, whether i'd get happy families or shouting and screaming. i used to isolate myself a lot and spend most of my time in my room with my story tapes, they were my escape. anyway back to that day. it had started normally enough, just a regular saturday. i remember mum's friend nikki coming over and taking us down to tescos to buy some sweets, i had a harribo obsession back then. i can't remember how it all started, but for some reason my step-dad had to go to hospital, i don't know if he'd drunk too much at the pub but anyway my mum had to go with him. we were all begging her not to but she said that nikki would stay with us and she'd be back later. i don't know why but i was convinced that she wouldn't come back. i tried acting normally, watching tv with the rest of the kids before they went to bed. i remember we had fish and chips for dinner but i couldn't eat a thing, i suddenly felt like i was going to throw up, but i didn't. i was so scared that mum wouldn't come back that i spent the next few hours crying for mum, "i want mummy, i want mummy!" was all i could say, i was shaking violently. nikki was so worried about me she tried to get hold of mum but she couldn't, that made things worse. eventually mum came back but still i was worried, she put me to bed and said everything would be ok and that she was back now. from that day on i had a few more panic attacks, not as bad as that, but feeling like i was going to be sick and shaking. no child should ever have to cope with anxiety at that age. i remember when i was 12 i was constantly worrying for a week, i can't even remember why now, maybe they'd had a big rowe or something. whatever the reason i could hardly eat anything, i had to go home from school once because i thought i was going to be sick in a lesson, mum thought i was skiving, i couldn't tell her what was wrong. when i went back into care when i was 13, everything calmed down because i was away from home, i'd have the odd panicky moment but i wouldn't show it. for years i had no anxiety problems after going to live with my dad, and even when him and kim split, nothing. it all started again 6 years ago after i'd auditioned for the x factor, god why did i do that? anyway i'd just got back and nothing in particular started it, but i thought i'd started feeling sick, i have a phobia of that too, that in itself can cause anxiety, i think it did that night. anyway my stomach churned and i went to the bathroom but nothing happen. that one feeling started what i call a silent attack. my stomach was doing summersalts, my heart was racing and i was shaking, it was bloody horrible, and it lasted for hours. i tried listening to the stuff i had on my phone to calm me down but nothing worked. i felt so small and stupid but in the end i woke nan and granddad to tell them i was feeling sick and could they tell me where the glasses were for some water, i didn't live there so i didn't really know. it was the only thing i could think of, i couldn't tell them the real truth. i used to have regular silent attacks from that night onwards at their house, it took me a year to realize why. when i was at there house, i had no freedom, i was told when to go to bed, when to get up, that i couldn't be on the internet past midnight. when i was at college or uni i had all the freedom i wanted. it was the fact i wasn't in control at their house. so a few more years slipt by and i moved here to edinburgh, had a nice flat and everything was fine, until one night. they say that one insodent can change your life, that's so true. it was a normal saturday, i was reading a book when i heard raised voices coming from next door, whoever it was sounded scared, there was a little girl crying as well. i suppose it brought back memories of my childhood. i heard someone scream "shut the fuck up!" and i was terrefied, i thought maybe they'd invited someone into their house and they'd turned nasty. something in me knew i had to call the police, i was thinking all sorts, like what if they tried to brake into my house. i was a wreck down the phone, it was like i was a child again, crying and shaking asking someone to please, please come and help me, i'm so scared. the woman was brilliant, she stayed with me for a while, it took me five minutes to have the courage to lock the door like she asked me to. she said that the police were on their way, all the time reassuring me that nobody could get in if i'd locked the door, that i'd done the right thing by calling them. she went then, and i just sat on my bed shaking until the police came. the policeman was very nice, he said i had nothing to worry about, that it was just a domestic, that it had blown over and the person in question had left the house. he also told me i'd done the right thing in calling them. in that one night everything changed. i spent most of my time listening out for any noise, and if i heard a bang, or people outside my heart started racing. weekends were the hardest, if there were people outside i'd stand at my bedroom window waiting for them to go away. i used to be able to handle drunk people, even laugh at them from behind the curtains, but not anymore, every single drunk person was a threat, in my head they would come and brake my door down and attack me, that was not the case of course. another thing that was a constant worry was that the front door of our building didn't have a lock on it, so anybody could come in, that scared me even more. it went on for months. there was another domestic from next door, i knew this couldn't go on. my support worker suggested i talked to my neighbour about things. it turned out wanda was really lovely, and the shouting i'd heard was jack her son, a 16 year old boy. so the insodent i'd heard those months before was a 16 year old boy shouting at his girlfriend, that was all it was. i actually thought now i had the answers i could get over all this, move on, but it's not that easy i'm afraid. i went to the doctors in the end because things weren't getting any better, actually they got worse one night. they prescribed me diasipam for a month, obviously these things can't be prescribed longterm. i began to understand how people become addicted to these medications, the normal feelings they give you are amazing. but i knew i wouldn't be on them forever, how could i be. i started to become scared then, what would i do when i came off them, how would i cope? I'd just had enough of feeling anxious all the time, i was willing to do anything to make it stop, even take an overdose, i had enough tablets to kill me. i didn't want to die, i need to make that clear, but the time had come where i'd hit rock bottom and i couldn't see how any of this was going to end. i just wanted all the madness in my head to stop, just for a little while. i'd never felt so alone in all my life, i couldn't even phone my best mate, how could i tell her at 3 in the morning that i felt so low i wanted to take an overdose, how is she meant to deal with that? what can she do from all those miles away? so in the end i phoned 111 and told them that if nobody helped me i'd do something stupid, i was desperate. the guy on the end of the phone told me to take 2 diasipam out of the pack and take them, then put them safely in a drawer in the kitchen. i did both those things and i was calmer, he told me to make an appointment at the doctors the next day, they would let them know i'd phoned in this state. i didn't feel brilliant when i hung up but i felt a little better that i'd spoken to someone. i went back to the doctors and they said they'd refer me for CBT, i got a letter and sent it back but i heard nothing else after that. i don't know what happened but after that i was able to manage things a bit better, i tried to tame the compulsion to go to the window everytime i heard a noise. in july last year i bought my house, a new chapter i thought, it's a lot quieter round here, and no night busses so not many drunk people on the weekends. unfortunately i still struggle a little bit, it's nowhere near as bad but i still feel very voulnarable at the weekends. i'm in a detatched house so i'm scared if anything was to happen to me i wouldn't be heard by my neighbours. my saving grace is my monitored alarm, i wouldn't be able to cope without that, stupid as it sounds. just knowing the police will come if that goes off makes me feel a bit better, not completely though. i sit here now writing this and i still can't believe that one insodent completely changed my life. i don't knnow, maybe it resurrected feelings from my childhood that i'd buried, those raised voices brought so much back. i was terrified when i called the police that night, and just the thought of ever having to do that again scares me so much that i'm on edge. i can't deal with drunk people in the same way anymore, i can't deal with raised voices at all. i won't go out on my own in the dark, i won't answer the door after a certain time unless i'm expecting somebody. i don't really have anything to do with my neighbours, i don't want to draw attention to myself or the fact that i live on my own, i'm an easy target that way. this is coming from a girl who used to live next door to a bar in wolverhampton, who used to leave the front and back doors unlocked when living in folkestone without even thinking about it. i used to feel safe back then, i don't feel safe now, not even in my own home, somewhere your meant to feel safe. it's got better in the sense that i'm not constantly thinking about it, but when i do hear raised voices or something going on outside that i'm not expecting my stomach begins to churn and my heart begins to race, and the irrational thoughts start. i'm hopefully going to start counciling soon for another matter, i'm going to try and deal with the anxiety issues too, so it's not all doom and gloom. i'm determined to get through this eventually, i want to be that girl again, the one who doesn't bat an eyelid at drunk people staggering home at 3 in the morning after a pub crawl. i want to stop beeing paranoid about every stranger i meet, the truth is i can't trust anyone. i got really paranoid about a taxi driver the other day, all because i heard rustling in my bushes, it was just a breeze blowing through them. from that moment on i thought this guy was going to hurt me in some way. we got to macdonalds and he went to the toilet and i thought is this bloke actually going to the toilet? is he going to make a secret phonecall telling someone that he'd got a young blind girl in his car? i know, completely irrational but this is what my mind does sometimes. if you've got to this point then well done, i'm sorry i seem to be writing these deep and depressing entries of late, i know what your all thinking, calm down and take a chill pill woman! not that easy i'm afraid. but as i said earlier i'm going to get through all this, i don't care how long it takes. anxiety is like any other mental problem, you can't just brush it under the carpet and hope it'll go away. for anxiety sufferers our minds are our worst enemy. it's extremely hard to talk to friends and family about because really it's something i don't understand myself. i red an article earlier that one of my friends shared on facebook, 36 things people with anxiety want their friends to know, i can relate to some of them. anxiety isn't just about having outward pannic attacks, as i said earlier they can happen inwardly too. i can go very quiet when i'm anxious, and most of the time nobody would know, but sometimes i'll show it. for example me and my mate stephen went to a gig in glasgow the other week, it was half 10 by the time we got out, it was freezing and i wasn't waring a coat. we'd decided before hand we'd get a cab back because i wasn't going on the metro at that time of night. there were people milling about outside, happy after the gig but there were also some drunk people hanging around too, there must have been bars or pubs near by. we didn't reckon on the taxi cue being massive, it was either wait in the cold for ages or get the metro. we decided the latter. we struggled to find the metro station which made me pannic a bit more, i kept saying i can't deal with this, i just can't deal with this. anyway eventually we found it and got on the train and i calmed right down. i feel bad when i get like that, but that irrational part of my mind takes over and i can't deal with it. anyway that's enough from me, i hope at least someone finds this entry useful or eye opening in some way. i will try and keep the next one lighter, i'm so sorry this has been so intense, i will be relaying all this to a councilor i promise, but sometimes writing all this down makes me feel a bit better. anyway until the next one, i will try and keep it light. xx

a voice in the darkness

hi all, i've just red a blogpost by a friend of mine about how important audiobook narrators are, i thought i'd write my own. audiobooks have always been an important part of my life, i remember when i was 4 or 5 years old and my mum was having problems with me, i was being extremely difficult for some reason and she got johnathon my mobility officer, who also helped her with other things to do with my visual impairment to come round. he brought a portable tape player and a few tapes, i instantly calmed down and devoured those tapes 1 by 1, i went to bed each night listening to a tape, my love of books and different voices was born. i used to take tapes home from school to listen to each weekend, and by monday i would've finished one or even 2. my childhood wasn't straight forward and every time there was an argument downstairs i'd stick a book on and escape into my own little world, and when i grew up a bit i did the same with music. since then audiobooks have always been a part of my life in one form or another, and when i found audible 8 years ago, my range was enhanced further. yes ebooks are all well and good, but there's nothing like an actual human voice pulling you into the story, making you believe in the characters. like my friend says these people really don't get the recognission they deserve, there's so many people i'd like to thank for helping me through the dark times, when i've felt so anxious and just the sound of their voice has soothed me and pulled me out of the darkness. i have my favourites of course, denika fairman, julia franklin, mark hadfield, dan stephens, alison dowling, imogen church, clair corbet and so many more. i have certain voices that will only do when i'm feeling really anxious, boardering on a pannic attack, (mark alison and imogen) but no matter how i'm feeling, audiobooks have, and always will play an important part in my life

money can't buy you happiness

hi all, well i'm back again, wide awake as per usual the night before i go away anywhere. off to hereford tomorrow to spend the weekend with louise and stephen, really looking forward to seeing them. over the past couple of days i've been watching documentaries on people who have tons of money, i'm talking multi-milionairs. i may spend money, but it's peanuts compared to them. i haven't really publicised this, but i was awarded compensation last year, i'm not going to inclose the amount, but i was able to buy my own house and make my future very secure, never in my wildest dreams did i think i'd ever be able to own my own house. i came from nothing, my parents have nothing, we never went on any amazing holidays, only disney land paris when i was 6 or 7, and that was donated by lots of lovely people who fundraised for me, i have no idea why because i'm nothing special, but the people at a pub we used to go to thought so. we weren't on the poverty line but we weren't comfortable either. i'm glad about that because it taught me to expect nothing, we were always taught to be grateful for what we have, these days kids seem to get everything because if they don't there's a chance they'll get bullied. kids are being bought iPads computers etc for christmas, it's ridiculous. but anyway i digress. i went from being in debt, having to struggle each month to pay the bills and live, to being financially secure for the rest of my life, and let me tell you, it's a shock to the system. i always said before the money it would never change me, and it hasn't in the grand skeeme of things. yes, i went a bit crazy at first, but tell me who wouldn't? but i've calmed down a hell of a lot now you'll be glad to hear. having money has made me realise who my real friends are, and i have some lovely ones who don't see me as a bank. there have been people who have taken advantage of course, and i've made those mistakes and learnt from them. i've also had some lovely experiences, going to florida with my dad's side of the family earlier this year, going all the way to vancouver last year to meet my fave singer sarah mclachlan, to see her in concert had always been a dream and to make that become a reality felt amazing. the most important things though are that i have a roof over my head, i'm debt free and above anything else, i will be able to provide a secure future for my future child. the other side of the coin though is that money can be very isolating. on one of the documentaries i was watching (britain's spending secrets) anne robinson went to see a billionairre who lived in a 90 million pound mention in mayfair a rather nice part of london. it was clear to see from the outset that this man wasn't happy. he had this amazing house, a house that most of us could ever dream of, yet he lived there alone, not through choice, but for whatever reason that was the way things had turned out. it was incredibly sad, all the money and the world, yet he was extremely depressed. then you see people in britain's flashiest families, people that don't bat an eyelid at spending 500000 pounds on a woodland for an anniversary present, just ridiculous. i can quite understand why normal people like us would feel bitter towards those types. another person featured was a previous big brother winner, she made her millions in property i think. she came from a working class background, was homeless at 15, and until entering big brother she didn't have a penny. then she got money so quickly and the spending started, she goes to harley street, a rather posh hospital in london to have cosmetic surgery. she went back to the womens hostel she stayed in when she was homeless, it effected her but not as much as it should, i could tell she'd forgotten where she came from, she was more focussed on the amazing money filled life she had now, and that she could buy that hostel if she wanted to, it felt very superficial. no matter how much money i have, i will never forget where i came from, i will never take money for granted. money certainly doesn't buy you happiness, and it certainly doesn't make you powerful. no matter how much money i've got, i will always be the girl who came from a small town in kent and never expected anything from anybody.